Be Patient With Me.

 The other day, someone close to me told me to write a letter to whoever or whatever I'm having an issue with, not holding anything back, and to keep it for myself.  Last night, I sat down to write and the words were flowing out of my head and through my fingers with no hesitation.  When I finished writing, I read it back to myself and felt a sense of relief.  I was relieved that I didn't post it out of whatever I was feeling at the time.  It allowed me to get all of my irrational feelings out, so I could think more clearly.

It brings me sheer joy to make people laugh.  If there's one thing I'm good at, it's turning an ugly situation into a lighter and funnier one.  No matter how hard it is or how scared we are, we still find joy in it all, because life in itself is beautiful and messy.  Although, the last half of this year has been trying.  Instead of finding joy like I use to do, I was living the "fake it til you make it" lifestyle.  To my surprise, many people have asked me why I stopped blogging, when I had only just begun.  I want to always be honest with anyone who decides to read my stuff, but I didn't know how to let the world into my darkness.  Life can't always be turned into some light, sarcastic, funny, piece of reading material.

Truth is, I'm exhausted.

There, I said it.  Not the kind of exhaustion that needs a good night's rest.  Although, I'd take one in a heartbeat!  My soul is tired.  I'm a mother of four, doing my absolute best to keep it all together to raise my big and busy family!  Some days are good, some days are bad, and most days, it's a miracle I have a bra on and everyone in the house has matching shoes.  There are some days we're so busy that Ryan and I will chug our cups of coffee.  Forever killing every taste bud on our tongues.  You're welcome, world.  We're the ones doing YOU a solid.

When you have a healthy child, you get all of these pamphlets, books, videos, classes (if requested), step by step milestones and things to expect.  With children like Tyler, it's non-existent.  It's all a guessing game and you'll see when you get there, type of thing.  I fight for all of my children, but man is the fight harder for him!  It has to be.  The fight is with doctors, therapy, insurance, school, child care, typical everyday things that you wouldn't even think about.  Everywhere we turn, we have to justify, defend him, speak for him, or we get walked on.  There's not a pamphlet that tells you how incredibly hard this journey is going to be.  How much joy and heartbreak you will feel all at once.

I have spent a great deal of my life tip toeing, walking on eggshells, timid, worried about hurting others or being hated.  A series of events unfolded these last few months that just broke me down to a point where I closed my eyes, flipped a switch, and when my eyes opened, I saw everything in a new light and I will no longer apologize for who I am or what I do any longer.

A lot of times, I don't brush my teeth until after I get home from dropping off my kids to school.  I have never liked unexpected company, but if you show up to my house, be prepared to wait a few minutes for me throw on a bra and pants, THEN understand that you are capable of seeing almost anything.  Dirty laundry, unswept floors, dirty dishes, toys literally everywhere, and even a naked two year old.  Evan decides when he wants to undress and I've just learned to accept that.  I go through phases where everything in my life is in order, but then I go through phases where absolutely nothing is organized or makes sense.  I am not a consistent person.  I will take out the trash and almost never put a new bag in.  Ryan says it's my superpower.  I may wear the same pants 2-3 times in a week before I wash them.  We are always late and please understand that we're aware of the time, we are the ones who are late, no need to point it out every time.  I have raked my leaves into the area behind my fence and then spaced them out to look like they were just there.

THIS IS WHO WE ARE!

I'm writing this for people to understand why I've been distant and why I haven't been myself.  Being myself wasn't working anymore.  We are going through some things and doing our best to lean on our faith and family to get us through.  Everyday things, new doctors for Tyler, possible surgery and lifestyle change, unpaid medical bills, getting a modified van, and just getting over these very difficult holiday's.  Not a single thing with Tyler is easy and I fully understand the struggle of this lonely road, now more than ever.

This isn't a new year resolution, but a step into a better version of myself.  Someone who refuses to take shit crap from anyone ever again.

"Smile, shine, and take it one day at a time."